ya dads aren't the best wingmen
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Randomize
