turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
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