My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
