I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
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