On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
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