I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
