I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
