You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
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