So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
