So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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