just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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