i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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