I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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