Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
