If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
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