hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
