Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
