You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Randomize
