I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Randomize