My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
