If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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