dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Randomize