I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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