Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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