Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
