i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
