just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
