Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
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