New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
