i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
You did what with his pubic hair?
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
