Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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