shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
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Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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