i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
