I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
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