So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
