She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Randomize
