When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
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