Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Randomize
