When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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