I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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