Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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