She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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