My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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