I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
