Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
