I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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