So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Randomize
