did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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