did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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