im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
