first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
i was born a porn star she said
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
