bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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