it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Randomize
