Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Randomize
