Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Green mimosas i think yes
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
