Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
