i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
