Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
