Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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