theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
